Last time I wore a white shirt I slobbered coffee upon myself. Today I've been slobber-free but still fearful of being stained. And who's to say the stain must be visible? My three year old daughter was recently exposed to America's Top Model, a weight-loss infomercial and The Disney Channel by our babysitter whose brain must have evaporated due to her low-grade fever. Babysitter aside, what sort of stain must my daughter bare because my wife and I decided to absorb a few cocktails leaving our kid to battle the ignorant ills of American culture? If there's a lesson to be learned it's to make sure the next time we leave the house, we need to party like rock stars in a porno pit while watching monkeys waterboard Dick Cheney. If I'm gonna screw up my kid, I gotta be compensated.